Azaadi Mubaarik Pakistan.

Peace!

Disclaimer:
The humans under 15, those with the heart diseases, conservatives and not-evil AKA good people are strictly (extra emphasis on the word “strictly”) disallowed to read even a word of this post. *stares* have a nice day :).


I often wonder, what can be the synonym of baby-sitting?
Nightmare? Jeopardy? Or a night in graveyard? But I end up considering even worse synonyms than these. Right now, rather than defining this cold sounding term, I shall ask this horrifying question.

Don’t you just hate those toothpick-bodied, icky, bespectacled and pathetically weak yet idiotically genius little humans and some coward looking but unbelievably brave chubby ones too, who try to run away on winged feet after messing up with major prohibited area i.e. well… your room silly! They don’t even care about the stop, warning, danger and other deadly signs hanging on the door of your precious territory…? Don’t you? Oh yes you do!

Don’t those unholy dangerous creatures i.e. kids give you jitters? *Oh yes they do*.

I still remember when my friend came to me from his home full of *beeps beeps beeps beeps beeps* (banned words by censor board) and started telling me some tales which I didn’t want to listen and didn’t listen. But I remember these following words coming out of his mouth.
My Friend: They are wayyy worse than mental dogs, angry crows, evil teachers and strong bullies. Aaargh!! I hate these bloodcurdling feeble little kids *whimpers*.
I: Stop scaring me! (With shivering yet screaming voice) I am expecting my cousins tomorrow, and I have to bear staying with them the whole day alone *wails*. (And then it hit me yeah lol the idea. I left hurriedly to note it down before it fades away from my dinky brain).
My Friend: Hey where you going?
I: To pwn them!!! *runs away*

I’m sure you also sometimes get chased by satanic kids who try to make fool of yourself by tying something stupid on you, they think they’re smart enough to pwn you.

And they can record the whole embarrassment and shoot it on youtube :-O.

I still remember when once a bunch of satanic (ooops) kids – my little cousins came to visit us in vacations and they just ruined my things, broke my book shelf, drew stupid pictures on my walls, pissed on my bed, read my diary, asked silly questions and think of any disaster, they did! Hence I had to bear the agonizing pain of those god-awful kids staying at my home and sleeping in my room for the whole month, and I was held responsible for everything they did. Why? Why oh my why?

I, being weak, thought that avenging the cruel was out of question. But I had to do something for the others like me. And for that purpose, I sat quietly during the dark hours of electricity blues and dug out some tricks from my brain and came up with useful information about the options one can have when one is fleeing from such things.

This information is useful for you also

Following are the options and the ways discussed to escape from the dangers you normally and unfortunately face in your daily life.

You should keep the following three main rules in your mind while working on the ideas
1) Don’t panic.
2) Don’t fall down.
3) Whatever you do, don’t look back.

There are two types of measure:
1) Safe measures
2) Risky measures

Safe measures for typical cases:


Push them in the pool
This is fun, when your target is anywhere near by some pool, pond or ocean, just push him/her hard so that they can’t see who pushed them and sprint a mile away from the spot and start whistling, remember! Nothing happened, you don’t know anything!

Be nice to them and betray
Yes buy them chocolates and stuff that they like the most and keep on buttering them up until they start trusting you/ liking you, then it’s time! Then take them to mosque, zoo or park – somewhere far from your home and run away. They won’t find their way back to home. Happy 14 August :P

Steal their things
If they are being a huge pain in the neck, you be the hugest pain in their tiny butts, ruin their lives, steal their pencils, colors, all the stationery that they use for their creative projects, and don’t let them eat lay chips, snatch and run. :P The pain of getting scolded by your parents is way less than the pleasure of seeing them in miseries.


A diamond can only be cut by a diamond
As they say give them the taste of their own medicine, if they are being bugging, you be supper bugging with 20% extra on the package. They will certainly scratch their heads and give up.


Tie them and put them in store
If you are working on something and this kid is not letting you do it. Slap on his face and before he starts crying just punch him as hard as you can and then tie him/her and throw him/her in the store and lock the door.

Replace their game CDs with horror movies
My little brother plays games in nights these days or should I say not any more now. I replaced his CDs with all the horror movies that I borrowed from friends. And I enjoyed his mommy mommy sounding screams. *giggles* you should also try this, if your littlies are such pain in the neck.


Take them to Zoo, and cage them with monkeys
Won’t they all look like siblings? Nobody will know :P You might be wondering how you would steal the keys! Well, don’t look at me! Just throw them in the cage.

Pretend your room is haunted by a ghost
Kids are scared of ghosts, make strange voices at night in your room, take help of tape recorder, record the voices and play the tape after midnight. And after that, they’ll stay away from your room and dare I say “from your home”. :D

Scare them by putting on fake costume
If they unexpectedly break in your home, just put on a white bed sheet and scare them by making a strange voice that only ghosts could have. Or buy a special costume for the holy purpose.

Play negative
Must have heard that story? Union is strength. Yeah! Untie the group! Like their father untied the bundle of sticks for them to break the sticks separately in that story. And once the enmity suck their unity up, then play your cards. Aren’t you smart enough to get what I want to say?



Steal their homework at the eleventh hour
Oh yes! To avenge something unforgettable, steal their homework right before they leave for school.

Act like you have some fairy
Always talk to someone in loneliness and make sure they are peeking in your room. And when they ask, scare them, and next time, talk about their murder. Ha!

Never shake hand with kids or high five.
Shaking hand and high-five both are symbol of peace that we don’t want with kids, do we? Certainly not *glares*. So, keep this don’t in mind.

Place a monster dummy before your computer and protect it
Some kids are scared of such things, once on my little brother’s birthday, I wrapped a rubber made and scary looking spider in a glinting sheet and gave him, it was havoc at the moment he opened it, and I was totally rolling on floor laughing out loud.
So, take my advice and keep such things in front of your precious things.

Never let them ask questions if they ask don’t answer
Keep that in mind, or else you’ll suffer. Act deaf and dumb.

Always take your german shepherd with you in park
If you have a doggy and it scares people and specially kids then keep it always with you in parks or in such places where you can get in trouble with kids.

Keep toffees in your pocket to get away from troublesome situation
If you don’t have doggy then you should keep sweets in your pocket to bribe them and sneak out of the spot.

Make sure you don’t have any DVD relating to animes, disney, animated movies and kids’ stuff.
If you do have then simply throw the stuff away. Or get ready for the dangerous situation that is kids wanting you to be their friend. Scary? Yeah throw away!

Find out all the weak points and use the tricks accordingly
Kids do have weak points, and they can be used easily if you know some of them, or know one of their top secrets and enjoy life.


Get them hit by a bus
Push them on the road and get them hit by at least a bus or some bigger vehicle.


Tie them on railway track
But don’t let the train trample on your kid, just untie the rope right when you see the train, it surely will scare them.

Put them in a sack and throw them off the bridge
This is one of those measures that you use when you don’t care about circumstances and just want to get rid of them! Put them in a sack and throw them in some garbage truck or off the bridge.




Risky Measures for special cases:

Pwn them by freeing your dog
Yes, your dog or your friend’s dog, make it go nuts and head towards your target – that evil littlies’ group and set it free on them and then watch and relax. They can’t sprint up to any tree, they can’t climb up trees being little and weak. Success will kiss thy footsteps. And kids will be eaten.
And if they pwn you by freeing dog:
Then:
On seeing a dog without owner, all you have to do is act sane even if you are scared, don’t let your legs tremble and try to take control over your sweat glands, And don’t even think about running away. Because, respected dogs take it as insult and go insane. In case if an raging dog is after you, simply sprint up to a tree, and climb it, because dogs can’t climb up trees. Make sure that the dog doesn't catch up to you before reaching a tree. And if there are no trees around, you must run until you see one or climb up something else. Otherwise, dog will catch up to you and eat you.

Hire a strong bully
Be friends with existing bully at their school or hire a new one for them to ruin their tiny lives. And let the bully have fun and make sure you pay the bully regularly. Let the kid s know how it is, living a school life under some bully when your lunch box isn’t yours and you have to do double homework and always in danger of being killed.
If things go wrong and they hire the bully for you!
Just stay calm and cleverly spread rumors about your father being in police department or in secret investigation agency. Then tell smartly made-up stories to your friends about his adventurous experiences with thieves and criminals. Telling a lie for defense is not immoral. Remember! Don’t be so over clever. Take help of your bully friends. Make a puppy dog face while telling them about the other bullies. If they come again, you simply threaten them of calling the cops or of suing them, and run straight to your home – the safest place.

Pretend you are ninja
If you are expecting kids to visit you for short time period:
It is smart wearing a karate costume when they are around, (They will respect you for that), and take fake photographs of your self in black belt or during some stunts and photoshop them and bingo! Frame them in your room. And when they’re not in your room, make Jackie Chene-ian voices to scare them more and make it sound like real. I assure you they will not do anything bad, at least with you.

Go insane, lose your temper
It is never smart of anyone to mess with a mentally retarded kid but if you do, you can still run away. If you think that a retarded kid is going to attack you, you have three options:
A. Turn back, close your eyes, recite some mystical verses and then open your eyes and scream like Tarzan and fight that thing with all your strength. Punch it, slap it or bash it against the wall, Do whatever comes in your mind (In this case you may get hurt or even get martyred).
B. The better option: Take off your shirt and tie it around your neck and run as it is considered that retarded kids like aiming their claws at necks.
C. Yell at that thing and tell it to leave you alone furiously. Chances of survival using this option are about 24%.

If you don’t like these Ideas, please tell me if you have some better ones :)

P.S. Phew! I’m tired!
P.P.S. Please, do not take it seriously, and end up killing kids!
P.P.P.S. This post is for certain people.

And by the way this is my younger monster brother, Hassan, and he's ruined my life, but I love him :)....... evilly : . :P