Hey bloggy *pokes* been a while?

I feel bottled up right now but since I’ve logged in, I should leave a note. The days are going strange rather quaint. I, daily stare at and inside my olde worlde books and stuff the theoretical stuff off the pages – in my already saturated brain. At times, brainpan literally hurts. I hiccough on the sight of few theories, few problems that are unimaginable to me, stochastic digits and the spine-chilling definitions. But, it’s okay; I’m kind of, sort of…maybe exaggerating the fix. In reality, I like the situation. It is fun when you are (not really) alien to something and you’re grappling to master it, personally I like this practice. My sibling keeps on reminding me that I really have to work hard this time and every time he does so, I give him a go-away look, but he doesn’t understand the look-language and…you know he starts boring me. Speaking of boredom, you know I attend a lot of lectures, few at college and the rest at sweet home, few of them, I heed to and the rest, I hear but…so you can view the picture. Baba is in Karachi these days so I don’t get that motivational stuff that revolves around the gist that is “boosting the upshot” on regular basis these days.

Apart from all this, I’m growing a love-plant for literature again, read “for freaking pawn of Satan” which I’ll have to clip before it grows taller and bigger than one could imagine. Probably, because, I can’t afford distraction atm. I remember last year, when I used to write cool stuff on the last pages of my note books. Well. Must not talk of that.

There were times when I used to have nightmares regularly. Weird times. Nowadays, I covet for dreamless sleeps and I haven’t had one in an infinitely long time. The sleep –– just like a little death with no vision seen in between –– and each day a new reincarnation. A reason to thank the Almighty Allah. Dreams are bad for health – for my health.

I start my day very early. Forgetting unneeded memories, some people and forgiving is one of the first things that I do, that’s easy for me because I have a weak memory; thus, I take “the only advantage” off it. And I have been watching a lot of movies lately, well that’s not a news, is that bloggy? The news is, I’ve been buying them. Because, downloading movies has become like ew for me. You should know that I dislike things for no good reason and also, I like things for no good reason. Enough about me. I think I should cease writing this post now – the first post of this year. So…well, goodbye. =)

Back when I was a kid – in first grade. One fine evening, I was walking back to home in that strange infantile gait that I would prefer – with the gleaming joy hovering in my thoughts and a poem buzzing in the lips that our very nice ma’am Saffia taught that day. I would hum stuff then all the way from school to home habitually. It was a usual evening, kids were discontinuing their half-played-matches and leaving the park by our house, the Azaan-e-Maghrib was echoing all over the town, I reached home and dropped down my bag and waterbottle and handed my dad my report card, grinned widely like an almost stupid kid and stood before him with both hands in the pocket and a constant cute stare at him, a stare with some expectations, for I had a feeling of all that being a good omen. I didn’t know what it was all about; Dad the great and mom the great smiled back at me though their smiles were not like the usual ones, they were rather tensed and I could see that. They were really excited about that card like thing for some unknown reason I didn’t know back then. They were smiling and smiling one can say like “perpetually”. All at once, their smiles disappeared and my mom the great uttered something like, “uh-oh” and dad the great like, “this is not great!” And then they said 10^th! Yes, I stood 10^th in the very first examination of school I’d ever taken.

From that day on, I have a posture of that moment stilled back in a very special corner of my brain which I always recall when I study, for exams of course. After that very first examination, I’d always worked hard, and improved to the point that other kids’ parents would scold them and would tell them to be like me.

Yes. That boy was the same one that today, I saw in the mirror in the morning.

Except

I was a kid then.

Life was smooth then.

I was intelligent then.

I was confident then.

Blah.

Today, I recall it differently, because when I fell, Dad the great did not say “this is not great.” nor did my mom the great utter anything like, “uh-oh”. They were sad. That gesture. Period. Gesture is framed. So… blog, you know the rest of the story, right? … What? Aren’t you too smart to guess that?

I’m leaving you with this for an indefinite time period. Take care and be good to people. =) Allah Hafiz.

I like how a lavender-crimson-red evening swirls away ––

Like that kite in folly –– eludes with the gale

Out of the reach – it floats – just as hope… so far

Like that only dainty pearl –– a whole star

As bumpy as a tarn, as prim as a skylark,

Sparking in the heavens as a solitary mark

I carved a heart in the wood – where I had come

And carved your name which shone like the sun

To my gratification, I ran my hands on it

Until night –– till the scar got imprinted

And now I behold the sky in evenfall,

It’s blurred…

I flapped my hand before the eyeball,

I rubbed…

But mayhap some stars in the whole sky––

Are too shallow for the reach of my sight…

–– B.H.

Smiling passively at the film of haunting past –– flashing in your mind before your eyes –– is the strangest thing in this world and yet it is the most beautiful. *smiles* as stunning as that illusive existence that erupts into reality right before your very eyes –– and flares an unendurable craving for a desire to be gratified. Only if we were not the two alike poles of a magnet –– in love but –– only to follow rites –– the universal law –– they repel each other.

Every time I feel at sea, I fall off…

Enough fallings off the edges... I should step back this time, step back and walk backwards towards the haunt and get overwhelmed with choler and grapple with the phantoms… claw their throats until they suffocate and burst into tears –– tears of painfulness and impuissance and finally batter them to death. I should walk backwards to make it to you…

Enough of our private theories… I’ve started thinking a lot. *smiles*

Phool rangeen

Sarkain sunsaan

Mizaaj sangeen

Udaasiyo ki shaam

Mujhe main samaye

Aur main naadaan

Aur pagal. Bus pagal.